still here, still becoming

a year of growth, music, and self-discovery

(Piece suggestion while reading this: click play to listen!)

Happy holiday season, everyone! It’s been a joyride this year, and I definitely want to take time to reflect on the many moments 2025 has brought me and what I’m looking forward to in 2026.

This year was mind-blowing, both professionally and personally. Moving cities again, starting my performance diploma at SMU, cutting my hair, performing with a pro orchestra for the first time, giving a solo recital, traveling, turning 25, etc. It’s kinda like my life has flipped in a way. But all for good reasons. I’m learning to really trust my gut and intuition, building confidence, building self-worth, noticing patterns and breaking them, all of which is part of the journey in my musicianship. Being self-aware and spiritually attuned to myself has allowed me to pursue my true passions to the fullest. Sometimes we get stuck in the “idk what to do” phase of life until something just… clicks. And that happened for me this year.

At the core of it all, I’ve always known I wanted to be a professional orchestra musician, but my journey in this life is much more than just performing on stages; that is only a fraction of it. Early this year, I was working a part-time office job in the heart of Atlanta, GA, teaching at three different schools throughout the week, and still juggling practice hours and private lessons. It wasn’t a vision I had for myself, honestly, and that’s okay – that process pushed me tremendously to grow as a person and musician. Eventually, I learned to advocate for myself, trust and honor my work, and to increasingly remind myself of what I am capable of.

Left that office job in March, and then immediately started to get more gigs. I mean, it was kind of automatic. I knew a piece of me was missing, and performing was the glue that held what I love to do. And when your heart calls for you to do something, you FOLLOW IT and don’t look back. Don’t second-guess yourself. We don’t know what is at the end of the road, but if we give up, then we will never see it. From performing with the Georgia Philharmonic and getting on more sublists in the area, it really got me thinking, okay. This is really something I love doing (and honestly can’t see myself NOT doing), so let’s go all in, particularly with orchestra auditions.

With that realization, I knew immediately that orchestra auditions would be difficult with my current setup (but not impossible). Not having the time and space to practice to the extent required for auditions can really kill a percussionist's momentum. So yes, I had to make some significant changes so major that I moved myself back to the city I left. It’s not that Atlanta wasn’t a great city, but my resources were quite slim while living there at the time. So when the time came for me to decide on my SMU deferral, I knew what to do, but there was a little fear behind it; it was a major decision I had to make…

Then came the summer, filled with so much music and connection. NDCP Live @5, ABOP-in-LA, Smithsonian Festival, debuting at Walt Disney Concert Hall, going to Disneyland for the first time (I absolutely loved it!), and honestly, being in spaces that were filled with so much community, love, and joy. Thereafter, I moved to Dallas to start my PD year at SMU!

That time away mattered. After taking a year off from school to learn, reflect, and do what was needed for my longevity as a musician, it really got me ready for my PD. This could be a separate blog post, but know that I came back mentally sharper, more in tune with myself, and also much more improved.

Life is beautiful. I could literally stare at myself in the mirror and quietly say, “2024 Torrance wouldn’t recognize 2025 Torrance.” Even when things get twisted, or when life brings its own challenges, it's all for a reason. This is why I love writing these blogs. I get to share with y’all my own revelations outside of just music. And honestly, it’s a great way to cope. Journaling has been my way of just getting things off my chest, and yes, I have a physical and digital journal because sometimes typing is just easier for me, lol, my hands get tired because I don't take notes regularly like in my high school days, haha. 2025 has taught me so many lessons.

Towards the end of the year, things started to click further…I felt a sense of permanent change beginning to unfold within me, my relationships, my performance, etc. Everything feels like I am in a space of growth and limitless power. I put on a recital in November, and I honestly didn’t have it in my head that I would be doing a full recital. Through that process, I truly learned a lot about my artistry and who I am becoming, not just as a musician but as a person. Remaining human while taking on the robust orchestra audition circuit is truly important to me. Because of who I am becoming, my recital was reflective and deeply personal. It was my way of telling my younger self that we are here and still here doing this for the long term while building community and making deep connections along the way. After my recital, more shifts started to happen. Cycles are breaking, and I am awakening my sense of self-trust, self-respect, self-worth, dignity, confidence, and being unapologetic about it. Being a Black man who is also queer and in the classical music field comes with many internal battles that I cannot fully describe, but we are making breakthroughs all year long, baby. I can feel 2026 being a massive year for me.